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Those where the first words out of Bob's mouth when Stacy was born, "She's got your Nose!" Bob thought I had the greatest nose in the world that is if you like pug noses. My reply was, "All babies have My Nose Bob!", as he walked out of the delivery room, carrying her like a five pound sack of potato's. There I lay like Christ on the Cross, I hadn't even been able to touch her, just a kiss on her temple, then they where gone. He told me later that he never looked up, his eyes where immovable, all he could do was look at her. The excitement of her birth was going on in another part of the hospital and I was out in 15 seconds. Things hadn't gone as planned. I was thirty five years old, we had gone to a specialist, the one my cousins Lana had gone to. He said, I shouldn't have any problems. But, here I was, I had just had an emergency c-section with my last child a girl! Her brothers where eleven and twelve they were waiting at the nursery to see their new little sister. When they were told that they couldn't see me until I woke up, they were pretty upset. I had told them years before that I wouldn't be having anymore children that it would be dangerous. So, they really needed to see me, and know that I was okay. Bob & I had married December 19, 1980. Stacy was born December 14,1981. He had just ended a bad marriage, I had been single for four years, both of us had unfaithful mates. He is younger than I, but insisted, he didn't want to have any children. I had James & Scott by my first husband. They were close to becoming teenagers, it didn't take long to realize that he was a true father type. Even though I had told him several times that he should wait at lest a year before he married, he kept asking me to marry him... Sometimes every third word was "Marry Me!" We had worked together for 2 years, I knew I didn't know him well enough to marry him, but he wore me down and I had true peace of mind that I was doing the right thing. Besides I had never known love like this. We had only dated for 3 weeks when we married. Our marriage has lasted over 20 years. With a lot of True Gritt I might add, on both of our parts. It didn't take me long to figure out that he was the best father, I could have ever picked for my boys, I told him that if we wanted to have a child - we better hurry, I was 35 and the clock was ticking! We decided with my age maybe I should be checked out first. We went to see what the specialist thought. He said, "You should do fine the problems you had before (with the boys) had to do with my being young!" I kept saying, "Are you sure Bob?. .. Are you real sure, I get pregnant real easy!" I found out years later that he really didn't think I would get pregnant, he had been tested when he was married the first time and the doctor had lead him to believe that he might have problems fathering a child. Well two months after seeing the specialist - we were up at 4:00 AM checking the results of a home pregnancy test (had to do it before we left for work). I was eating Hot Fudge Sundae's and Fried Chicken Drum Sticks by then, the meat had to be dipped in the Sundae ofcourse! But that strange behavior didn't even convince Bob I was pregnant! Nor did the positive test! When we went to the doctor, Bob was standing up while the doctor was checking me. I said to the Doctor, "Well! Am I pregnant or not?" When the doctor said, "Looks like you're a little bit pregnant." Bob suddenly sat down! You know like when somebody hits you in the back of the knees or gut! Sure was a good thing that chair was behind him or he'd of landed on his butt! Never have I ever seen any man enjoy being pregnant more than he did! He could hardly wait to learn how to fold a diaper! He danced through the house laughing with his first accomplishment! Hung it on a hook in our bedroom for the world to see... the boys thought he had gone crazy! But, It hung there for years.... long after she was out of diapers. I might add she never had a disposable diaper on her butt. Bob took a lot of pride in the fact that she didn't,... found it "lazy parenting" to use disposables. He was at the doctors every time I went. The sound of her heart beat coming over the monitor, like a galloping horse, brought a look on his face - that only God could understand! It was excitement... wonder.... pride... all rolled into one! We went to the classes so he be in the delivery room! I was to sign a release form which allows the father in the delivery room, if you were to need a c-section. He said, "I don't think so!" I said, "I have babies normally, signing this just form, doesn't mean they will drag you in there!" During "Our Pregnancy" he kept asking me, "If I can't carry her to the nursery, will somebody do it for me?" I found the question somewhat odd, yet without asking why? I just reassured him that I was sure they would. Years later, I ask him why he had been so concerned, he confided to me, that up and until the day he held Stacy, he had never really held a baby! He had tried once! But, the baby cried so much, that they had put it on a pillow on his lap and that wasn't the same as really holding one! So, he had a real fear of weather or not a baby, even his own, would let him hold it! The doctor was wrong! I had problems, three week before my due date I was in the hospital, with extreme pain in my ribs. They had me go to a different hospital - So, Bob would have to take classes at the new one just in case that is where he was, when they told him my water broke! They said, he ran so hard, his body was going forward - but his feet were staying behind! By the time he got to where I was, they had decided, I would need a c-section. I sadly told him. Then, I ask what he wanted to do? "I can't imagine being anywhere else!", Was his reply. |
Raising a child to never doubts your love and always know your are there for them, is not an easy thing! This was Bob's goal in life! He was determined to be successful as a parent. So, he was totally wrapped up in every aspect of raising her. In no time, he was holding her with one arm. All of her care, he did! He feed her, changed her, bathed her, washed her clothes, sang to her, cheered her up, played with her. From day one she had no doubts of his love and he was always there for her. When she got her first tooth, he bought her first toothbrush, laid her on his thighs while he brushed her teeth. until she could do it herself. Yes, the trust was there from the beginning! He wanted her to love reading. Shortly after we came home from the hospital I found him reading to her. He ordered and bought lots of books, she had a sizable library by age two! The books that were most enjoyed where The Fraggle Rock series by: Jim Hanson, the founder of The Muppets. When she was 4 to 6 years old, they were on PBS and we never missed them, it was just a must everyday! It was a sad occasion when we learned he died, it saddens us to this day, that his death seemed to put an end to there popularity. As time went on I realized this man was meant to be a father! I was the envy of every woman I have every known... I rarely changed a diaper... he was up at night for her feedings. Feeding her was his job! They were never apart. When she was being potty trained, only he - could do the honors. She would assume the position - on all fours with one hand in the air - like a stop sign! She would inform you "No, Daddy do it!" To say they were "best friends" is a true understatement. They were ALWAYS together. I was lucky enough, when I was young, to have a friend that had a father like him. I had always hoped to have the father of my children to be a real father - father. So I felt blessed, as I watch their relationship develop. Although I must admit, at times, I felt a little, shall I say, left out! But it was okay, I had raised the boys and girls are always crazy about their Daddy's. They went everywhere together you just didn't see one without the other. She had plenty of friends to play with but seemed to truly prefer his company. Bob would look at her and say, "Stacy do me a favor" "Sure what?" he would respond, "Don't get any bigger!" at first she didn't understand, but later she would just laugh or smile real big! By the time School was being talk about at our house, I was concerned that it could be a problem She kept say, "I am not going to go to School!" or "Daddy do you want me to go to School?" he would always say, "No! but it is the law - you have to go! You will really like it, they have a lot of great books at school." Well, Stacy didn't 'Stop growing!' So, the day finally came. Yes, that dreaded, "First day of School!" We were set down to breakfast and she was so cute in her new dress. A few bites & Suddenly, she was up and out the door only saying, "bye!" Bob almost broke his leg getting up, but he was out the door behind her! She had decided she would ride the bus! Daddy had told her how to find her room. But, he drove to school and stayed out of sight, to watch her & be sure everything went okay Well it didn't! The kindergarten classrooms were set apart with there own building & playground. He didn't realize that the bus would be letting the children off at another location, and this meant, his instructions where wrong! He had let her down for the first time in her whole life! He truly wanted to jump out of his hiding place and help her! - but didn't want to embarrass her either. His desire to not embarrass her, over ruled the yearning desire to rescue her. When she arrived home, she really let him know that he let her down! Over the Christmas Holidays, She became sick, causing her to be kept home a few days more, than the school break was. She confided to me, "I don't know why I didn't want to go to school!" showing real concern, "I hope I haven't missed any of the letter people!". She had a wonderful kindergarten teacher Mrs. Jacqman. She is now retired and sorely missed. She helped to instill a desire & love of learning in Stacy that we were always grateful for. One of the next major events was ET singers. ET stood for Early Thursday. You had to be in the forth grade to do this and this meant you were really special! The forth graders were the oldest kids on that campus so this was a special thing to come in an hour early on Thursdays they had a couple of programs they preformed for the holidays and at nursing homes etc. They had a song they sang, where they needed a hat Stacy new just what she wanted a BIG Hat with flowers around it.. So we made it, it didn't work so we hung it on the wall. She got another one. Being in school was kind hard on Bob & Stacy He had taken on a Large paper delivery route for income when she was small. We did not want to leave her in day care, Later the motive for keeping it was, he would get her off to school and be there when she got home. It worked out well for our situation. Stacy went with him on the route all summer. They would come home take a nap and go swimming in the afternoon. They love there routine. When school would start back there was always a lot of complaining that the summer vacation had ended. During the winter, she went with him on Saturday morning, weather permitting. I would go on Sunday's! Which meant she would pack her bags and go to Aunt Patsy's on Saturday afternoon, coming home Sunday afternoon. Aunt Patsy, Aunt Rose, and Grandma all lived together. They are Bob's family of origin. His other sister Ruth Krouse is married to Bill their son is Johnny. Stacy attended his wedding to Saundra, which was a BIG deal for her. It was their daughter Nicole's first Christmas Just one month before we lost Stacy. She would also stay with Aunt Ruth sometimes on weekends. But, mostly she went to Patsy's. Stacy loved her visits to Bob's family, they had that same unconditional love that Bob has, so she felt right at home with them. Patsy seemed to be a lot like Bob, she enjoyed every moment she had with Stacy. I work about fifty hours a week, so I must admit I was glad that Stacy had what I called, a second mother in Patsy. When she died we all took it hard. But, Patsy possibly most of all. I wish I had realized how much. She has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. As the doctor put it, "You got caught, didn't you?" But, he has also called her, "A true miracle!" for she has survived with treatment for almost a year and a half now. Meanwhile we lost Bob's mother to multiple strokes. It seems her death was in the natural progression of things and she was really ready to go. Among her last words to Bob were, "I have had a good life." This from a woman who raise four children never making much more than minimum wage. She raised some truly marvelous children that are in my opinion real successful stories. For over 20 years I have always felt there unconditional Love. Stacy, once surprised me with a breakfast picnic she had prepared for us one Saturday morning. She had it all packed everything - including a camera for taking pictures, just she and I went to the neighborhood park and enjoyed some time together. Until the cold. got to cold and we had to give it up I told her it was the best just not long enough! We both agreed. we would do it again when it was warmer but we didn't. She like peeling eggs Mixing meatloaf She giggled a lot, just like her Daddy! She loved music, singing, video games, writing stories & poetry, going places, doing new things She had lots of friends (the church didn't hold them all) She loved being alive! She had the joy for life that we all should have! There are many funny stories - but the best way to describe are life would be to say, "It was full of love!" We enjoyed ever aspect of being parents to her and I loved watching her Daddy & her, enjoy each other! The bible says, we should have a father child relationship with our father in heaven, I was privileged to see a great example right here on earth! |
The Rainbow On the day of Stacy's Funeral Service it did not rain. The sun shined, the weather was pleasant for January in Oklahoma. It was crisp, but not a truly cold day. We had scheduled an afternoon service. Tamira, our son Jim's wife, had been so much help! She screened phone calls and kept track of everything... who brought or sent food, flower, planets and money. But that morning she had gone to get her hair fixed and when the door bell rang. I went to the door in a robe to find a woman holding a covered dish. I had no idea who she was as she handed me the dish. I asked her to please wait and sign the guestbook and she replyed "No, that's okay." Then I, in an almost begging voice said, "But, I don't know who you are." She smiled and said, "I knew Stacy." in a tone that still rings in my ears today. The look on her face conveyed the message, "That is all that matters!" My thoughts were racing what kind of child Stacy was that it seemed like everyone knew her and she had touch so many lives. Yet, she didn't realize it at all! One day probably a year before Stacy died, I was talking to some teachers who came after school to the restaurant I managed at the golf course in Jenks, OK., regularly for coffee. When I realized that the woman was Stacy's art teacher and told her who I was, her response amazed me. "Stacy is a happy child! Such a joy to be around!" she said. I asked her, "Aren't most children happy?" She replied, "No, you would be surprised how many unhappy children there are!" That conversation gave me a lot of solace, when we were having such an out pouring of compassion from all who seemed touch by her life. I realize the things they were saying about her and the stories they told me were truely heartfelt compassions for our loss, of a very special person. The morning of the funeral a friend, Suzie Jones had gone by the store to pick up panty hose and medicine. I could not find the slacks I had planned to wear. I was going to wear a suit with a shirt which meant I need hose. It would be almost a year later before I realize why I could not find the slacks I had planned on wearing. Stacy had been dressed in my slacks and not hers. The time span was a blur but suddenly it was time to go. The family cars were here to pick us up. When we arrived at the church I remember seeing some people arriving late. I realized that I didn't even know some of them. The few that I did know being there almost surprised me. The director turned around at the door and said to us, (I guess to prepare us.) "You should know it is standing room only in there!" To be honest we were overwhelmed. People loved Stacy and it was so apparent that day. At the cemetery grave side service each person seemed to want to say a word or two to us. When there were just a few left we hated to leave but we let them all know how much we appreciated their attendance and left to go to the church for a dinner. We had to stop at our house to let the boys get our cars to have them at the church when we left there. The driver said, the other family car would be taking the people in it to West Tulsa, "I responded "No, they are to go to the church! You must stop and tell the other driver not to do that!" So, he did. When he came back he was rather amazed, his voice showed it. "They are all very excited back there! There is a rainbow!" As we traveled on toward the house, we all wanted to see it too. We caught a glimpse of it. When we got to the house, I stood in the driveway trying to see it. The sky was blue except for directly above my head, it was an almost eerie purple, gray, and green! In all the excitement we suddenly noticed we were locked out of the family car with the keys still in it, which meant that the other driver had to take that load of people to the church and come back and get us. When that driver arrived back at our house he said, "I could see the rainbow from the church, IT IS DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HOUSE!" Later on people told us of seeing it from as far away as the Mall and that it looked like it hovered over Jenks as a complete 180 degree rainbow, and they said, they realized also that it hadn't rained, but that it was around the time of Stacy's funeral and it gave them goose bumps! Her Aunt Rose had prayed a simple prayer, "Lord we know that we are not to question you, but could you show me a sign that when we die do we go directly to heaven and is Stacy there now?" Stacy always loved rainbows from the time she could color she was always drawing rainbows in all of her drawings. She had rainbow stickers, rainbow folders, even rainbow bright dolls! I don't know why we were lucky enough to have such conformation of this prayer. But, it happened, and it truly helped us get through some tough times ahead. When we finally reached the church some people seemed a little upset that it had taken so long for us to get back to the church. Our friend and neighbor, Gail Easterling and her daughter Carey, were trying to keep the food warm but when they heard about the rainbow they were sorely disappointed that they had missed it! Actually we had too because by the time we got to the church it was dusk and we hadn't been able to see it at the house. As I look back at all the stupid things I must have said to people, all I can say is people should never hold a person who has lost a child responsible for anything they say for months, even years after it happens. My mother said, that when we finally got there we all acted kind of strange meaning that we were so excited over the rainbow that people found our demeanor to be odd. But the rainbow had helped to take away the heaviness of the day and gave us a measure of peace. I will never apologize for my behavior that day for God gave us a gift that carries us through! Even to this day! The next day Bob needed to go to the cemetery. Rose was with us and something was said, and we were just about to get into an argument when Rose gasped and pointed. Again it had not rained but, in the sky was a cloud and reflecting on the cloud was a rainbow. This may be hard to believe, but we were to meet someone there, so we were there for more than an hour. The cloud and rainbow stayed in the same spot in the sky the whole time we were there. If Bob and I began to argue it got brighter.... when we stopped it got lighter. Stacy would never allow us to argue. She would get between us and tell us to stop! It was almost as though she was doing the same that day, and the message was, "I am not going to be around, your going to have to control things without me!" The following day it snowed. Tamira went out with Stoney and Dylan to play. She wrote in the snow the words "Hi Stacy!" and came running in all excited "Mom, Dad hurry come see again a cloud with a rainbow reflected on it" This one was smaller than the one at the cemetery but, Gail Easterling got to see it! We were so glad her family tried so much to help us and it was like a tiny good bye to us all! One day about two years later Bob was driving alone.. He was very mad, talking out load, and from what I understand really caring on! When he spotted one more rainbow, and when he arrived home, it was still there! He said, he just kept looking at it and truly calmed down and felt peace about where Stacy was. He started to go into the house, but peaked back only to find it had left! When he told me the story, I couldn't help but imagine the commotion in heaven - with Stacy insisting that he needed another rainbow really bad! Bob compared the anguish he felt to the movie "Home Alone!" How the mother was so over come with the need to get to her son. For almost four years everyone prayed for Bob. When anyone would ask how he was doing, I would tell them to pray for him. One day when he was anguishing over the separation from Stacy, He truly felt a physical presents of the Lord. He put his hand on Bob's shoulder and filled him with the knowledge that she was with him and was okay. The struggle was over and he has real peace about it now. We sometimes find it hard to understand why people even fight to stay here, because we are not fighting it at all. We want to be there instead of here! Not just because of Stacy, but because Heaven is so much better than the struggle here. We find it strange for anyone to want to be here! But we understand that there is something we are to complete here, some kind of mission that must be completed before we go.... |
On the day Stacy died everything was so great. We had and outstanding day, one of those days that you can't put your finger on what made it so great... Just that it was! We did the normal things that families do, but somehow even when it was happening, we knew that we were a happy family & that "God's in his heaven and all is right with the world!" Kind of feelings, you know what I mean? She was listening to a song over and over again on a video tape we had rented. I was in another room getting a bit irritated at the repetition, I finally said, "Stacy what are you doing?" She replied, "I am almost done! I just have to get the words to this song." the video tape was the movie "A League Of Our Own." She was writing down the words to "This Used to be my Playground" By Madonna, I had never listened to the words, little did I know the significances those words would have later on. She & I set and visited for a while and I recall thinking to myself, "Everything will be okay!" She is going to go through her teenage years, not always being as easy to raise as she was when she was younger, but still things will be okay! It was Martin Luther King Day, she had teased me repeatedly that she was going to be OFF from school.... too! With me replying "You're out & I'm off.... " , either way we were enjoying the time we had together and that is what counts. Bob worked nights and when he got up, I went to the office to do something on the computer that seemed important at the time. How many times have I wished that I had just stayed with them. I could hear the two of them laughing and then she sang the song she had been writing down earlier, to him. I recall thinking that she has a beautiful voice. The day rambled on just one of those stay at home kind of days, we would return the videos after dinner, pick up some things at the store she needed etc. It was her day to cook she wasn't in the mood to fix dinner, didn't know what she was going to cook and I said, "Fix spaghetti!" There was a mix she could prepare & we already had the meatballs. I thought Bob was helping her and he thought she was getting help from me. Well the pasta didn't get completely cooked. She was very discussed about that! We tried to reassure her that it was fine! But nobody feels good about there food not turning out good and she was no exception. We told her that we would just eat the meatballs and veggie's. I was in the kitchen and she raised up from the table.. motioning that she was choking and stepped about three feet to a trash can. I started the hymlick maneuver on her but, she was slightly taller than I and my arms where too short. By this time Bob was there at our side, she stepped over to him. I turned, took two steps, and called 911. Before I could hardly get any words out, her head went back on Bob's shoulder, eyes rolled, and she collapsed. She was to heavy for Bob to hold so he had to lay her down. I frantically gave the operator our address, saying she has choked and to hurry we are doing the hymrick maneuver it's not working! Suddenly a man was at our door. He was a first responder, I was told later. But he couldn't seem to do anything as she had blood coming out of her mouth.. I remember thinking why? Everything went into slow motion. The police came next.. Then the fire department. Finally the rescue team! No body was doing anything! In retrospect a tracheotomy should have been done when the first responder came but I think he was baffled by the blood too! A doctor explained a week or so later that the body in an attempt to clear the air way will regurgitate, she was so choked that the vomit went into her lungs which caused a searing of the lungs and that was why the blood was coming out of her mouth. They worked and worked with her. They wanted life flight to come but it was to windy for them to land. They got her heart going about forty minutes after she had stopped breathing. They said she was stabilized in the ambulance. If you can believe it this was just the beginning of the nightmare to come. At he hospital we were given hope that she might recover. Something about if they could keep the swelling down in her brain there was a chance. So many people came when they learned of what had happened. I remember thinking she was out for forty minutes! They kept trying to say or get us to say it had been no more than like fifteen to eighteen minutes. I remember thinking "Why is this so important to them!" Twenty four hours later I realized why, the doctor took us in a room he began to explain that the swelling had cut off oxygen to her brain and that she was clinically brain dead. That he recommended that we turn off the life support he started telling us how she could live on. Suddenly my mind rushed back to something that had happened in November! I was telling Bob that I felt my mother had put a lot of responsibility on me, when we had gone to Mayo Clinic and she had to have surgery. She had made it clear to me that should she die I was to donate any and everything that she had that they wanted. Frank her husband was completely against this! But she truly expected me to see to it that her wishes were carried out. Stacy came in the room and said, "What are you all talking about?" I explained to her that when people die they can donate parts of there body that when I had ear surgery, they had used some donated parts to fix my hearing. She said, "I am not going to do that, what I came into this world with I am going out of it with!" Later that day she came to me, saying, "Mom, are you mad at me?" "Why should I be mad at you?" was my reply. "Because I don't want to donate anything." I told her absolutely not she had a right to feel the way she did that a decision like that was up to the individual. Little did I realize that in less than three months those words would ring so loudly in my ears. I found out months later that paramedics have to try to bring people back all the way to the hospital. All I can say is I would not want to be the person who received a heart, kidney or liver that had not had oxygen forty minutes. Plus Bob has nothing against donation as long as the doctors donate there time and skills. At the time I was rather pulled by the decision up and until then I had always thought of donating organs as a noble thing one should do. But after our experience I have had a change of attitude. We didn't want to say, turn it off! Those words where just unthinkable, we were waiting on her brothers to get there and they (the staff) began to treat us like someone who had stayed to long at a table in a restaurant. To this day I am sure it would have been a different story had we agreed to donate. I also feel that it was meant to be because Bob and I would have totally disagreed had it not been for the surreal circumstances of that conversation with Stacy. At 10:30 the nurse came to Bob and I and let us know the doctor was on the phone. Bob talked to him - he told Bob they were going to turn off the equipment. He had pronounced her dead at 4:00 pm and that was that again we felt like we had became an irritations to the staff! I remember when they ask what mortuary they were to call I could hear the bitter tone in the nurses voice. Bob was in the room when they turned off the machines I just couldn't handle it. I was out side thinking, "She died yesterday not today they just played a big game with us!" Shortly after we arrived home the mortuary called wanting to know if we wanted her embalmed! I remember thinking I can't believe they ask this and then my thought was I guess some religions don't allow it.. The guy on the other end of the phone was so sweet, and told me that he worked nights and to call him if I needed to, even later on. I did and in our conversation I discovered that the hospital that we had gone to had a treasured reputation for getting the most donated body parts in Tulsa! Making the arrangements were difficult. We had insurance, and we told them it was only $5000 but were reasonably sure that since it was an accident that it would double. We picked things out - a coffin with roses, a vault which was beautiful too. Flowers - a small white heart shaped pillow with a small flower arrangement on it. When we arrived home we had a call from the funeral home! It seemed that they had to inform us that because Stacy was under age the state required a autopsy so Stacy was being taken to the coroners. In retrospect I realized that the mortuary took care of this so that we would be able to have an accidental death certificate for our insurance to pay double. This really pushed the viewing of her instate to only about eight hours. Which mainly added stress to Tamira because everyone was calling and asking when she would be ready for viewing and she couldn't say, because at this point she was at the coroners! It was Wednesday night, we were waiting on a call from the coroner, Stacy's fifth grade teacher had came by. I heard Bob on the phone explaining what had happened when she choked! Because Bob worked for the newspaper Tamira had given the phone to him when they called suddenly everything came together! Like some huge crushing nightmare! We were alone with Stacy when she died, she was at the coroners, the newspaper was wanting details, suddenly total fear overwhelmed me. Please God don't let us be accused of killing our child! I never tell Bob what to do but I insisted that he get off the phone! They were on the way to get a picture of Stacy! I called someone who had offered to help in anyway she could. "I need legal" was all I said. She was there in ten minutes, met the person coming after the picture and set them straight! To this day, I can not thank her enough. When I see how thing have gone in Colorado with Jon Bene, always think there is one thing worse than losing your child, and that is that there would be people thinking you murdered your child. |
Every parent always thinks that they have child the very best child in the world.... But you see Our Stacy really is! Why do I say this... After all to the rest of the world she no longer exist, because she died January 17,1995. You see, we believe in heaven & we know that she is with Jesus "Our Lord!". So you see, she isn't gone... she is just not here! |
